Humans really do seem to struggle to agree on anything these days: which religion to believe in, whether a capitalist or socialist system works better, whether to order the red wine or the white, and whether to head for the beach or the mountains on holiday. Even when we do agree that something needs to be done, we quickly tend to disagree on the best way to do it. In other words, it would seem that human beings are not genetically predisposed to agree; in fact, some studies reveal that, by the time we reach 80 years old, most of us will have taken part in an average of 89,000 arguments with our loved ones.
When it comes to finding solutions and common ground, this does not come naturally to us: it seems that about 90% of conflicts between people do not end in an agreement. We only have to look around us to observe a lack of tolerance to other people and their points of view, a decreasing willingness to embrace different views or take a broader perspective. One of the problems with this tunnel vision is that, during disputes, each party believes that they are always right, a phenomenon known as “attribution bias”.
The problem lies in people’s inability to see things from the other person’s point of view, undermining the possibility of reaching a compromise. On the other hand, people who do try to look for compromise are often seen as weak and devoid of ambition. And even when a compromise is reached at a corporate or commercial level, it often ends up leaving both parties unsatisfied and with a bitter taste in their mouth.
Yet, to ensure the survival of our species, we must learn to be more cooperative and to cultivate relationships that are free from the confined limits of personality and culture as well as those of gender, sexuality, personal beliefs, race, nationality, family origin, and all those other traits we often use to pigeonhole people.
Even when we disagree, what matters most is how we deal with it and how we work together, in spite of our disagreement. Starting today, we must stop thinking of compromise as a loss of ground and learn to see it as a personal victory that can satisfy everyone involved. This book was written to offer advice on learning to cooperate and get better at managing conflict despite our inevitable differences.
