Emotions are often difficult to identify, precisely because they are so complex and, as such, it is often hard even to give a name to what you are feeling. Shame is one of these complex emotions. Therefore, the ability to recognise it in ourselves, and manage it, is equally complicated.
Like all complex situations, shame comes in many forms, and can be triggered for various reasons. For example, shame is often used in an attempt to change a person, including serious statements like "if you don't study, you’ll always be stupid, and no one will want you". These statements stem from good intentions, but actually end up having devastating effects. Rather than spurring that person to take action, they are made to feel small or ridiculous.
It's also an emotion that can make you feel guilty about something that’s not your fault.
Being ashamed of something is never a good thing, and it has a negative impact on many aspects of life, from relationships to work. Humans yearn to connect with the world around them, while shame ends up isolating them.
Feeling ashamed is always a painful experience, and sometimes even just listening to a person talk about their shame can be painful.
One of the main consequences is that of feeling excluded, when what people truly desire is in fact the exact opposite: to be involved, considered, seen, and listened to.
Shame starts in the home, beginning with your relationship with your parents. How many times are girls affected by their mothers’ judgement, when scolded for not being feminine, graceful, or taking care of herself properly.
Comments of this kind hurt and immobilise, silencing a person and ultimately leaving them feeling defenceless.
The problem is also present outside of the family setting, in social situations, when we compare ourselves to others. Divorce, harassment, betrayal, and infertility are all sensitive issues that are often avoided for fear of being judged.
Insecurity is generated by unsolicited judgments, which are not a real representation of reality, but only to a partial interpretation of it. Yet an erroneous point of view is more than enough to trigger a sense of shame, which gradually transforms into structural damage. The person, who already finds themselves in a vulnerable position, thus stops feeling free to express their ideas and opinions, and stops asserting themself in public.
Induced shame also occurs as a result of receiving a scolding from someone else. If you don't learn how to counteract this negative emotion, it becomes internalised, assuming the form of self-reproach.
It is important to differentiate shame from other similar emotions, such as embarrassment, humiliation, and guilt, which represent different emotional responses to that of shame.
Embarrassment is perhaps the least powerful, and the one that has the least consequences, precisely because it is fleeting. We have all experienced “embarrassing situations", but due to their short duration, we are usually able to laugh it off, and think no more of it.
Guilt is often confused with shame, when actually they are two different things. The big difference is that while guilt can be a strong driver of change, shame paralyses people.
Then, there is humiliation, which can be further broken down into different varieties. This, too, is a term that is often confused with shame. For example, if a child’s exam failure is announced aloud in front of the class, and they are accused of being “stupid” by the teacher, they may feel humiliation or shame, depending on what they think of themself. If they don’t feel deserving of their teacher’s judgement, they will feel humiliated, and try to assert their rights, due to the belief that they have suffered an injustice. Furthermore, they will be more likely to talk about it with their parents, friends, and acquaintances. If, on the other hand, the child believes that they are stupid, and therefore deserve to be called out in front of the class, then the predominant emotion will be shame, and having been made to openly experience that shame in the classroom will make them feel small.
Shame has more serious consequences than humiliation, because people who feel shame will hide what happened from their family and friends, and bottle everything up instead.
However, it is also true that repeated humiliations can turn into shame, and have significant long-term consequences.
The only real weapon that a person has when it comes to managing shame is to have a deep understanding of themself, and to do this, they must begin a journey of self-awareness.
