We’ve all been there at least once, when you are out somewhere and see a child crying and screaming at the top of their lungs because their parents won’t give them what they want. Maybe it was you, and you were the parent who hoped the ground would open up and swallow you whole because your child wouldn’t stop screaming and you ended up screaming just as loudly to try and get your child to stop.
Janet Lansbury firmly believes that punishing or humiliating your child in these kinds of situations will not solve the problem, but in the long run, will actually end up making it worse. This is why she provides a series of basic guidelines to help parents bring up their children in a healthy way, from an early age.
Scolding, lecturing or punishing them will cause them to feel shame and guilt, but will do nothing to dial down the volume when the next tantrum comes around, because these methods do not really help a child understand what they have done wrong.
This is why it is important to clearly explain how exactly they misbehaved and what you would have expected them to do instead. When you talk to your child you must communicate in a way which is as clear and as direct as possible, always speaking in the first person. “I don't want you to do this” is undeniably more effective than “mummy doesn't want Mark to hurt his brother”. On the other hand, try not to give instructions using negatives, because the mind is not designed to assimilate them. If we hear the phrase "Don't think about an elephant", the first thing we will do is think about an elephant. So, communicating the correct behaviour that your child should adopt is infinitely more effective than focusing on what they should not do.
Then you need to highlight the negative consequences of the child’s behaviour, rather than using a punishment that is not relevant to the situation, so that the child can internalise the cause-and-effect mechanism linked to their actions. They might react badly, but they certainly won't feel manipulated, and will gradually understand the boundaries that they shouldn’t cross. Anger, sadness and frustration, as well as other negative emotions, are very common in young children, and it is even more common for these emotions to come to the fore when we adults establish rules that they must follow. These emotions should not be repressed or denied, but encouraged without judgement, or we risk making them feel ashamed of something which, in the context of a child’s healthy upbringing, are part of the natural order of things.
You should never say to a small child "I love you, but only if you behave". Children must be loved unconditionally, or they will feel manipulated, and will never be able to feel safe and trust their parents and caregivers. Lansbury also stresses that we should never spank children, since it is not by hurting them that they will understand what is right and what is wrong. This is achieved by setting limits, saying "no'', and being consistent with the rules you have set. To ensure that they learn to respect the rules, you will have to learn to react firmly but calmly, even if the child misbehaves.
It is also important to remember that if a child throws a tantrum in public, they are usually trying to tell us that they are tired and need to go home. Don’t ignore them, but try instead to satisfy their need, wherever possible, in order to help them calm down again.
