One of the stories that the authors tell in the book is about an extremely bright little boy called Thomas, who attends a school for children with high IQs, and enjoys unusually sophisticated interests and hobbies for his age. He is surrounded by people who constantly tell him how brilliant he is, including his parents, relatives, and teachers. We might think, therefore, that Thomas has very high self-esteem, but this is not the case at all, and he often struggles with his homework. He easily completes the exercises he is familiar with, but gives up as soon as he is faced with a more challenging task. He tells himself that he can't do it, so he doesn’t even try. Thomas knows he is clever, because everyone has always told him so, but he nevertheless suffers from very low self-esteem when faced with a new challenge.
According to the authors, many parents, especially in America, believe they have to constantly tell their children that they are clever, overwhelming them with reassuring statements like ‘you’re doing so well’, or ‘you can do it, you’re so clever’, and so on. These parents are convinced that such consistent encouragement will help their children do well at school, but Thomas’ case shows that this is not always true. Research suggests, in fact, that children who are raised in this way often avoid difficult situations altogether, out of a fear of failing or being humiliated. Essentially, they shy away from anything that they are not 100 percent sure of, in order to avoid making a mistake. They also tend to associate their academic progress with the praise they receive at home, which makes it harder for them to build a healthy relationship with school. This does not mean that we should belittle our children, or stop encouraging them, but simply that we have to accept them as they are, without insisting on labelling them as ‘winners’, which can often cause more harm than good.
