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Self-Reg

Stuart Shanker

Self-Reg

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22min

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There’s no such thing as a bad kid. That’s what a lifetime of experience has taught Dr. Stuart Shanker. No matter how difficult, out of control, distracted, or exhausted a child might seem, the author says there’s a way forward: self-regulation. Overturning decades of conventional wisdom, this radical new technique allows children, and the adults who care for them, to regain their composure and peace of mind. Self-regulation can dramatically improve a child’s mood, attention, and concentration. It can help children to feel empathy, and to cultivate the sorts of virtues that most parents know are vital for their child’s long-term wellbeing. Self-regulation brings about profound and lasting transformation that continues throughout life, and in his book Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, Dr. Shanker gives practical advice for parents on how to help their own self-regulation skills, and teach their children to do the same, so that they can engage successfully with life for optimal learning, as well as social and emotional growth.

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Analysis and key concepts

01.

There are no bad children, only ones who behave badly because they are unable to manage something that is happening to them in a given moment

02.

Self-regulation can be useful in many areas of our life, but it primarily refers to how we manage stress

03.

Our society is based on the paradigm of willpower, which they say, can help us achieve anything we choose

04.

Living in a state of hyperarousal makes the limbic system so sensitive to stress that it takes very little to trigger it

05.

Self control can be replaced by self-regulation to transform human behaviour

06.

The adult’s job is to act as an external regulator at times when the child is not yet able to self-regulate

07.

The parent-child relationship is a growth space, it is fertile terrain for learning self-regulation

08.

Children spend most of their time doing activities that can cause them a great deal of stress

09.

Understanding the Biological Domain will shed new light on a child’s behaviour

10.

Emotional dominoes and the importance of learning to express feelings

11.

Learning takes place via many different processes, which are all part of the cognitive domain and can become problematic for both children and adolescents

12.

Human beings have an innate desire for connection, which can also cause great stress

13.

Children have a natural capacity for empathy, but they also need help from their parents to regulate their reactions in the pro-social domain

14.

Anxiety and depression among teens have become a huge issue in modern society

15.

Quotes

16.

Take-home message

01. There are no bad children, only ones who behave badly because they are unable to manage something that is happening to them in a given moment

Dr Stuart Shanker has dedicated all his working life as a researcher in philosophy and psychology, to studying children's behaviour. What became clear to him almost as soon as he began his work was that there is no such thing as a bad child. Sometimes children scream, they are selfish, or they don’t listen to what they are told, but this behaviour is nothing more than a response to what is happening at any given moment. Children behave badly because they don't know how to deal with their present situation, and the emotions they feel at the moment this situation arises. These reactions have nothing to do with their overall nature.

Shanker points out that some children can be more challenging than others, but a judgmental attitude on the part of the adult who is present when things flare up will only fuel a more explosive reaction in the child. It might make them anxious or less willing to trust us.

To take a different viewpoint on children's behaviour, the dynamic between teacher and child must be completely revised, as Shanker’s research confirmed. Primarily, you need to understand the meaning of children's behaviour, to be able to analyse it and change your approach. Shanker identifies self-regulation as the solution which can make a difference to our level of concentration, overall attitude, and empathy towards the child, which in turn will help promote their development.

02. Self-regulation can be useful in many areas of our life, but it primarily refers to how we manage stress

03. Our society is based on the paradigm of willpower, which they say, can help us achieve anything we choose

04. Living in a state of hyperarousal makes the limbic system so sensitive to stress that it takes very little to trigger it

05. Self control can be replaced by self-regulation to transform human behaviour

06. The adult’s job is to act as an external regulator at times when the child is not yet able to self-regulate

07. The parent-child relationship is a growth space, it is fertile terrain for learning self-regulation

08. Children spend most of their time doing activities that can cause them a great deal of stress

09. Understanding the Biological Domain will shed new light on a child’s behaviour

10. Emotional dominoes and the importance of learning to express feelings

11. Learning takes place via many different processes, which are all part of the cognitive domain and can become problematic for both children and adolescents

12. Human beings have an innate desire for connection, which can also cause great stress

13. Children have a natural capacity for empathy, but they also need help from their parents to regulate their reactions in the pro-social domain

14. Anxiety and depression among teens have become a huge issue in modern society

15. Quotes

16. Take-home message

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Many useful tips to:

  • Improve your relationship with your children.
  • Discover a constructive way to overcome stress.
  • Learn how to manage out of control children and young adults.

Dr. Stuart Shanker is a distinguished research professor emeritus of philosophy and psychology at York University in Toronto, and creator of The MEHRIT Centre, which works with school boards across Canada to implement Self-Reg in both teacher and parent education. He completed his further education at the University of Toronto, where he won several awards, including scholarships to study at Oxford, where he obtained his doctorate. He now lives in Ontario.

Publishing house:

Penguin Books

Year:

2017

Pages:

320

ISBN:

978-0143110415