So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex

Ian Kerner

So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex



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Every sexual event plays out according to a “script”: when the script works, we can get completely lost in the moment, and sex becomes a familiar dance in which the moves come to us naturally. When the script doesn't work, we struggle to stay present and we find ourselves fussing over the details. In his book So Tell Me About The Last Time You Had Sex, renowned therapist Ian Kerner analyses various sex scripts and rewrites them, helping couples solve the mystery of their ailing sex life, and showing them how to tap into their erotic personality so that they can reach their full sexual potential.

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Analysis and key concepts


Every sexual event is a “sex script” that can be deconstructed and reconstructed to make sex more fulfilling


Sexual desires can be spontaneous, innate, or responsive, and they are all normal


A recreational relational template of sexual expression is an essential part of a fulfilling relationship


Sexual fantasies are our allies, not our enemies, and they should be enjoyed rather than analysed


Kink is an umbrella term that includes all forms of sexual expression considered as outside the mainstream and requires you to be playful and get lost in a “scene”


The orgasm is a journey, not a destination, and it differs depending on the person and the situation


What happens after sex is as important as the sex itself and between encounters it is equally as important to maintain an erotic buzz that keeps a couple connected




Take-home message

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Many useful tips to:

  • Enjoy a more fulfilling relationship and sex life.
  • Understand the difference between reactive and spontaneous desire.
  • Learn not to shy away from your sexual fantasies.
  • Broaden your horizons about kink.
  • Discover the key components to a magnificent sex life.

Ian Kerner is a psychotherapist and sexologist who works with individuals and couples to help them with relationship issues. He is often cited as an expert in various media outlets, including The Atlantic, The New York Times, and The Economist, and is a contributor on CNN Health. He has lectured for the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium, the Ackerman Institute, Tony Robbins, Goop, and TED 2021. Kerner is the New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First, which has been translated into more than ten languages. As well as being a Clinical Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT), he is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors, and Therapists, and is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy (AFTA).

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