So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex

Every sexual event is a “sexual script” that tells a story, is full of clues, and leaves its own unique imprint. When a sexual script is successful, the participants will be completely absorbed in the moment, and sex becomes a familiar dance whose choreography comes naturally to them. When the script fails, however, we struggle to stay present and find ourselves getting hung up on every minor detail.

Let’s imagine a house with a basement. The ground floor is where we spend most of our time, and where we deal with most of the troubles and woes that life throws at us. The basement symbolises our emotional basement, where our primary emotions, vulnerability, trauma, and painful memories are stored. In a relationship, building a staircase that leads down to the basement is very important, as is being able to take your partner downstairs and show them what is there. Whether or not we feel seen, heard, and validated in the basement will affect the way we communicate with one another on the main floor. Taking your partner to your basement requires a certain degree of emotional maturity.

Taking apart and analysing a person’s sexual script can help locate the hidden pain in their basement, and putting it back together again can help heal the wounds.