Author and marriage expert John Gottman has no doubts about the one key component that makes a marriage last: close friendship. When a couple enjoys a close friendship, a climate of mutual respect is built. Friendship helps prevent any hidden doubts and resentment from creeping in, as well as helping avoid the all-too-common onset of irritation and boredom. In couples who nurture their friendship, there are no winners or losers. There are no duties. When close couples help each other, they don’t expect something in return, and they accept the other person for who they are.
A close friendship between partners also means that they know each other extremely well, and know exactly what their partner’s likes and dislikes are. They know each other’s hopes and dreams, as well as their personal problems, and any sore spots which they know will cause problems if they are left to fester. In relationships based on friendship, the couple express their love with small daily gestures such as letting the other person have the last piece of cake, or inviting their family to dinner, even when they don’t feel like it, because they know it would make the other person happy. It might mean ordering their favourite takeaway to surprise them, or sending them a message after they have an important meeting at work to check how it went. These small gestures in the daily routine are worth more than any elaborate shows of affection on an anniversary or valentine’s day. They let the other person know that their partner can be counted on every day. Even when couples do argue, their friendship keeps the bond strong between them and helps mend the cracks.
Couples who feel generally positive because of their mutual understanding of and respect for one another experience what the author calls “harmony”. This state of emotional balance helps them feel positive every day, and strengthens their bond. Being on the same wavelength is self-sustaining for couples. The more they experience it, the longer it lasts, ensuring that the couple have a future together. For it to develop, harmony also requires trust and commitment. This might seem obvious, but lots of couples take it for granted. This is how infidelity happens, which does not necessarily have to be physical. Every action that someone takes which disrespects their relationship is a form of infidelity.
